Of Dragons and Dreams



full-dragon-animation

For some time it has felt as if there is a great force that stands between me and the life I seek.  A fire breathing nemesis that assails upon me with such force I literally get knocked to the ground — or at least to a vasovagal crouch.  It is not uncommon for those of us with chronic illness to spend many years hating our body or our God.  Be it the Devil or disease that we blame, we turn our anger in upon our self or cast it to the Heavens in desperate hope that our outrage will insight an army of change.  More often than not however, we merely exhaust the already depleted energy reserve and find ourselves no closer to our idyllic notions.

In my own mental story there are still moments of great suffering, but there is no longer an enemy to battle by way of body or spirit.  Many years ago, when I was feeling tearful about a childhood lost within the neurotic web of my reluctant mother, my best friend told me in a stern voice “Her job was to make sure you lived to adult hood.  You are a grown woman now.  She did her job.  End of story.”  Of course in our Huxtable mental homecoming we resist the notion that our family of origin should not have been better, safer and more loving.  But truth is our childhood drama was just as it was and given that it is complete … this is now where we are.  There is simply no room to change anything and if we hold on to our notion of entitlement we merely prolong the suffering from days gone by.

We are each of us, right here in this moment just as we are.  Our life circumstances are simply this — they can be no more than this in this moment of Now.  If we continue to cling to glory days or covet the grail that is in this instance beyond our grasp, then we will continue to expend our limited resources and remain blind to the garden that is paradise within which we walk.

Not to say we should walk into the flames of the Dragon or resign our self to misery and lack, but rather to accept fully what is before us and as best we can embrace with compassion ourselves and our circumstances.  Waking from our dream state of disorder we catch a glimpse of the ecosystem and balance that has always been the Totality in all facets and form.  For it is only when we see clearly what is before our eyes can the path we should follow become visible on the horizon.

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