The Price of Standing
I made pancakes this morning
I was standing
not for a particularly long time
but I was standing
and then I ate a pancake
and a little vegetarian sausage
I folded some towels from the dryer
before coming to sit down
I had been standing
it’s not unlike any morning
other than those mornings
when I can’t stand it all
I feel capable when I’m cooking
I knew
when I would stop
that I would have a hard time
But it was pancakes
You understand that right?
So I sit here now
sittings not quite the right word
because my feet are higher than my heart
and I’m looking at the blue sky
if not actually
the blue umbrella over my head
and the grape leaves
that have grown a little too far past the vine
and the loquat tree to my right
that’s blocking the rest of the Sun
so graciously for me
And I feel the unease
of adrenaline left unspent
of a heart pounding to keep
blood to my brain
of the dis ease of a disability
that had accommodated
my cooking for a little while
but now says I have
used all of my spoons
over a cast iron griddle
and of course I wish things were different
I wish I could get up
and do some thing
I wish I could read comfortably
or even see the koi
from where I have collapsed
But I have to rest right now
To stay still and wait
for my heart to settle back
for my blood volume to redistribute
I just have to wait
because it was pancakes
totally worth it
I understand that
Had it been burnt toast
well that would be
a crying shame
and hardly worth
the price of standing
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