Fear Factor

I use to run to the gateless gate and jump through hoops in hope of slaying my fear demon.  Because the fairytales and pseudo sutras tell that tall tale.  But in my mold age I am coming to see that fear is just a part of being me — of who I am at the best of my worst me-moments.  I am afraid.  Much of the time.  In as much as I allow the fear to sit with me I am also able to see that I am also bliss … much of the time.

And while my own situation and circumstances may be unique, I do not believe I am alone in my fear festival.  As a culture we avoid that which feels unsettling.  We imbibe away our worries or binge away the blues because we believe those feelings can not co-exist with our pursuit of happiness.

We strive to fix, figure out or fracture that which we believe is the cause of our frantic mind.  But what if we simply didn’t mind the mental miasma?  When someone comes to me with a worry stone clasped tightly in their hand, I ask them to consider how much they like that particular pebble.  Because if we resolve the current concern they are bound to pick up another rock tout de suite and the next one might hold less appeal.   Point being — we are apt to worry about something — so savoir the little ones and know unsavory savages might move in if a vacancy ever did come up.

When discussing fear with a friend this morning I saw myself standing at a familiar fork in the road.  To my right was a well worn path of missing the mark micromanagement.  To my left was another paved way through a large mountain that I had made from the mole hill after turning around on the path to my right.  And of course what I could not see from my vantage point in the fear quandary was that both of those paths intersected down the road aways and doubled back on themselves creating the queerest cul d sac with seemingly no off ramp from the superhighway of horror.

In truth there was a foot path directly in front of where I stood but there were branches and boulders obscuring the way.  It was a road less travelled to say the least.  Easy to over look as it looked like nothing would come from it.  Indeed I believe if we do not know that a path exists we will never uncover the cobblestones that lead to the middle way.

As I moved a few fallen branches aside and could glimpse the edges of an old trail, I could feel my shoulders drop slightly.  And by the time I was just two feet into the bramble, the way was clear.  I was at center.  Looking out at the world from behind my eye (i) and seeing as well as being seen.  There was nothing to Do on the path save for watching where I put my foot down moving what blocked my next step and feeling the ground under my feet.

Each of us can find center (stillness) in our own unique way — some version of — all roads lead to Rome.  However in our GPS, Ok-Google, Siri, Cortana Orwellean World we ask questions of machines more often than our fellow beans.  And it is sometimes helpful to share our personal experience even without a Youtube DIY.  So for me …. coming to center begins with a mental shift.  There is a stepping back behind my eyes into a place of witnessing.  I can feel my shoulders drop in the silence of the still mind.  I often describe it as a swallow.  I am somehow deeper within myself.  And the fast pace of my racing thoughts slow down to a crawl or disappear completely in the stillness of the present moment.  I notice sounds around me, that I realize I have not been aware of when I was lost in me.  The birds chirping outside my window.  The hum of the hard drive or even he clicking of the keyboard all feels fresh and noteworthy.  Stillness at its finest.  As the redneck sage will remind me “The mind doesn’t want you to go to this place and it will try to pull you away from it because it doesn’t have control from there.  It will tell you that its not safe.  That its boring.  That you don’t have time for it.”  It will even tell you that if you spend too much time there …. that you will loose yourself.  And then it reminds you how much you love your self and who you are and before you know it you are once again obsessed with the thinking thoughts of the ego.”

And this is how the path gets overgrown with weeds and fallen branches.  Because we are afraid to spend time inside the stillness of the present moment.  However, each time I choose to center myself … to quiet the mind … to stop and Be instead of racing down the roadside in hot pursuit of perturbation … each time I choose the middle way … we choose to settle and honor our True Self …. and in doing so we clear the path before us and we are better able to see it as an option the next time we are inclined to dash left or be right.