Look Deeper

Egoic Mind: Does Source know everything that is going to happen?

Gnani: Source knows everything that IS happening in this moment.

Egoic Mind: But when something is manifested, does Source know at the time of its birth all of the events that will happen to it before it dies?

Gnani: The answer to your question would involve discussion about the time and space constraints which exist in your world, but not in the realm of Source.  So basically, Yes.  Source is not bound by time or space so everything is instantly available in the present moment.  And NO Source did not intend for you to suffer with this pain.

Egoic Mind: But if Source knew a particular action would cause pain?  Then why wouldn’t it take a different course or action?

Gnani: Have you ever experienced a benefit from something at the time you consider painful?

Egoic Mind: Oh no.  Not a lecture on pain with a purpose.  I’m not in the mood.

Gnani: Good neither am I.  So if there isn’t a thought tug of war that you want to do around this pain,  how about choosing to be with it.  Be curious about it, without judging it as bad, or even purposeful.

Egoic Mind: Ok, there is bilateral pain.  It is hot and follows my upper jaw line.  I can feel vibration from a soft hum that my body is making.  A little melody.  The pain is a bit sharper on the left side than the right side of my face.  It feels like there is some inflammation.  Swelling.  Pushing.  From the inside moving out.

Gnani: And what else is happening INSIDE.

Egoic Mind: Gee, I think INSIDE my mouth was inside enough.  I feel an energy cycle in my mouth.  Like an orbital charge that moves with the throbbing of the pain.  There is a tightness too of the facial muscles.  A holding on, if you will.  It began about an hour ago as a headache and now has morphed into this facial pain.  There is fear present too.

Gnani: Ok.  And what are you doing with the fear.

Egoic Mind: Pushing it away.  Afraid to face it.  Afraid I will be overcome with fear and pain.

Gnani: Yes, that is the addictive thought.  Let it drop aside, it is a diversion from what is REAL in this moment.  What is available for you to SEE if you are willing to look deeply.

Egoic Mind: But all I feel is pain.  And I seem unwilling to look.  Ok, maybe that is a story.  Perhaps I can peak.  There is throbbing pain.  Icy heat.  I know that sounds strange.  I can soften my body all around this pain.  The rest of me is like a big soft pillow and the pain in my face a stone in the middle of the fluff.

Gnani: Keep going.

Egoic Mind: The throbbing is like a drum beat, around a fire at some aboriginal dance.  Left side is strong.  It feels like a wishbone breaking.  Trembling is seen.  I know that makes no sense, but I can see the aboriginal dance and there is a person in the middle who is trembling.

Gnani: Don’t get swept away with spiritual cul d’sacs.  Stay focused. Right here and now.  The pain is hiding something from you.  Don’t let the mind sweep you away into story.

Egoic Mind: Ok.  Back here.  I can feel the dog at my side, hear a lawn mower outside.  Feel the breeze from the ceiling fan and the heat coming through the vents.  It’s a cold day, the heat is on and I am both hot and cold all at the same time.

Gnani: YES notice the polar opposite.  The yin yang.

Egoic Mind: There is facial pain …. And deep stillness.  The pain is empty.  There is percolating big bubbles in the pain.  Ooooow.  It  hurts.

Gnani: Keep looking.  Don’t let the pain make you turn away.

Egoic Mind: Ok.  I am inside of this body.  Not running away.  The tinnitus in my ears is ringing at the same frequency as the pain.  The harmonics of the tinnitus is doing something.  Or maybe I just pray it is doing something for this pain.

Gnani: Don’t stop.  Listen.

Egoic Mind: There is a deep resonance here with the pain.  It’s old.  Familiar.

Gnani: The pain is not separate from that which is you.  Can you see that?

Egoic Mind: It is both not separate from me and it is not me.  Both at the same time.

Gnani: Exactly.  Like a shadow you can not run from the pain.  But you know yourself to be more than the shadow.

Egoic Mind: Am I the light that casts the shadow?

Gnani: Look deeply.  What is it that you know yourself to be in this very moment?

Egoic Mind: I am not sure I know.

Gnani: Sounds like a great place to explore.

Egoic Mind:  I just ate dinner.  Now my mouth feels like it is in terrible pain.  Hot fire feeling … but no spicy food.  Nothing out of the usual.  Except that mushroom tasted a bit odd.  Damn what if this is an allergic reaction and I am going to die.

Gnani:  That is the same old addictive thought pattern again, seizing an opportunity where it knows you are fearful and it knows it can release those chemicals it wants for its fix.

Egoic Mind: And do I have a choice but to feed the chemicals?

Gnani: What happens in the next moment is unknown.  Why not just watch and see for yourself what is possible.

Egoic Mind: But what if I am truly dying? What if I should be leaving to get help right now!

Gnani: Do you believe that your death is avoidable?  That suffering can be side-stepped?  Is this your experience?

Egoic Mind: No my experience is that nothing I do can change anything.  So I might as well sit back and watch the show.  But knowing that and doing that are two different things.  It’s like the pain that was in my face is now in the lining of my mouth.  Crap this sucks.  I can’t even have a few hours without some kind of three alarm fire from inside the depth of my being.

Gnani:  These are only surface ripples.  Remember?  The depths of your Beingness is much deeper than these complaints.  Feel your Beingness right now.  What can you see?

Egoic Mind: There is energy swirling around … like a big chalk eraser.  At least I hope it is erasing the pain.  But there is no fear from that space in the center.  There is just motion.  Large sweeping movements, like a dance.  It is bubbling.  Or maybe it is creating the bubbles.  I don’t know which.  But bubbles are being generating and it feels like they are flowing out the top of a fountain.  My tongue is still all pins and needles.  I read somewhere today on a web board that this woman who had pins and needles on her tongue was told to be careful it was the beginning of anaphylactic shock.  So my brain is feeding on that now.

Gnani: It doesn’t matter.  If it wasn’t that it would have been another horror story.  Your brain can’t help but rush to the fire alarm.  It wants those chemicals … at all cost.

Egoic Mind: I’m not willing to pay that price any longer … not if I have a choice.  I want to cut those thoughts off as Maharaj did, right when they first sprout.  Instead of tilling the soil and harvesting a bumper crop each time they come to the surface.  I won’t have it!

Gnani:  Remember whose head it is that you want to cut off.  Do not treat the thoughts as your enemy.  They are as much a part of Source as thoughts of success, love and compassion.

Egoic Mind: So what do I do when these thoughts arise?

Gnani:  Treat them with compassion and love and then you will have success!

Egoic Mind: Ok.  I can do that.  I understand why these thoughts arise.  I know why they are happening and I know that I do not have to act upon or believe these thoughts.  I need only recognize and acknowledge.  The thoughts express the fear of unbearable pain.  Of being out of control.  Of having no where to turn and no one to take care of me.  I understand these thoughts.  Their fingerprint is deep in my cellular tissue.  I can not expect these thoughts to automagically go away instantly now that I know the truth.  But I can turn the light on and sit with them in full view and see what else arises.

Gnani:  You are sitting with them.  Right now.  And it feels good to do so, yes?

Egoic Mind: It is an empowering feeling to be with myself.  Or is it empowering for my Self to be here with me?  Everything is changing.  I am riding the waves.  Acknowledging the desire for this to go away and accepting fully that it is here right now.  No judgment that it should not be this way.  It IS.  So why bother to judge or push away.  This is what IS.  There is pain and fire inside the soft tissue of my mouth.  There are small tears in my eyes.  And that pillow of softness in the rest of my body.  It is there too … holding the space for this fierce grace inside my mouth. It feels like a thousand canker sores are forming inside my mouth.  Hmmmm….I wonder if this is viral?

Gnani:  Stay with what is … not with what wonders.

Egoic Mind: Tiny ruptures on the surface of my tongue taste buds.  A thick coating on my teeth.  Pulsations.  Throbbing.  Prickly pain.  Crap.  I hate this.  I know stay with what is happening not the thinking mind.  Everything is fading down now … my mind is getting board and wants to move on to another activity.

Gnani: What you resist will only come back again to try and be seen.

Egoic Mind:  I’m here.  I’m staying.  I’m following this wave all the way to shore.  My left cheek is pulsating from inside and outside.  My left foot is effervescing.  That’s cool.  I know, no judgments, just notice.  The sound of the tinnitus in my ear is changing pitch ever so slightly.  It is a ringing.  A vibratory sound.  Like the little hammer and anvil are vibrating with the energy currents rushing past them and bouncing off the drum of the ear.  Mostly from my right ear.  The pain or sensation really, is on my left cheek.  The tongue is painful on both sides … mostly on the edges and side.  My gums feel pressure, internal pressure, like swelling as well.  Now a faster thumping beat … not my heart beat though.  Pain, sharp pain at the top of my head.  Damn I should have seen that neurologist!

Gnani: More thoughts.  Your cells still want to feed.

Egoic Mind:  I am turning the light on super bright. (There was a long pause.) And now I see clearly.

Source cares!

It is not as impartial as I thought it was.

Source is taking care of the pain.

Naturally.  Effortlessly.  Effervestantly!

There is a spontaneous reaction to the situation.

And it comes from Source.

Knowing this … Surrender is so sweet.

Gnani:  Precisely what you were intended to see.