An Inside Job
Despite the blame we may put on our parents, or our church or our circumstances for our suffering … fact is we spend way more time alone with our own thoughts than we do with anyone else. Sure Mom may have told us we were less than perfect, but how often do we replay that “not good enough” story in our own mind every day? Of course our mate was wrong in whatever battle of wits we were in yesterday afternoon, but how many times since then did we remember or retell the story to a “empathetic” ear?
I’ve been noticing lately how quickly the story in my head crystallizes and fills the silence in my brain. It may seem like my pain is due to someone else’s actions because I see that person in the newsreel of my mind … but in truth I am in an empty room. The act may have happened last week, or last month, or yet to even be. My worry … fear … suffering … anger … or otherwise discontent in this moment is coming from my own mental noise.
It is the ultimate form of brainwashing … we repeat a negative story over and over in the unquestioned part of our busy brain and it feels real. We hear our self say “Oh, its always been this way …” or “Its never going to change …” or “No one can help me …” while in truth it is more likely that the addiction to our own destruction is the monster in our movie about me. We think we are fighting a battle outside when really we have been waging an internal war upon our own happiness with our own food for thought.
When we first notice just how negative our habitual thoughts are, … well unless you aren’t flexible enough to touch your toes and see your own Achilles heel … there may be a tendency to want to “fix” something … because it is clearly broken. However trying to combat every old negative habit and replace it with a pristine altruistic thought is at best exhausting if not also completely futile in the long run. Eventually we will grow tired of the inner battle and the course of least resistance … in this case our old habit of stacking the deck against our self … will reign supreme. Instead, it is often sufficient to simply NOTICE the inner voice when it rises in our awareness. “Oh, I’m having that self deprecating thought again” or “Damn if I’m not arguing with my co-worker in my head” or “There’s that sad (angry, fearful) thought rising about how hard (empty, lonely, pathetic) my life is” …. Turn your attention to the thoughts without trying to invalidate or justify them. Just the act of noticing the internal story can be like holding a candle up in a dark room … all of a sudden you can see the door and realize there is a way out. After all, you have what it takes because you see that the key to your own happiness is also … an inside job.
