Retreat



rohatsu

Being born into an Italian Catholic family, I knew that my birthday, December 8th, was a holy day in the Church.  The day of Immaculate Conception, deemed by Pope Pius IX in 1854 as the day that the Virgin Mother herSelf was conceived (through normal means) and God granted her to be born without the stain of original sin.  Apparently this was an important precept for her to later be chosen to give birth to Jesus.  Ironic that now my own first born is celebrating the High Holy Day in Italy this year where it is a national holiday.

Not much stuck with me of those Roman Catholic roots, but as I studied the path of the Buddha I certainly gained more and more appreciation of the Enlightenment of Jesus.  Indeed as my own eyes opened wider to the canvas to see the perfection of creation, the solid lines that define each religious dogma seem to blur in an impressionistic mural of the Great Garden.  Truth is truth.

In a wonderful tale of irony I learned this year that December 8th is also a sacred day in the Zen tradition.  Rohatsu, which translates literally to December 8 in Japanese, is the day that the Buddha became enlightened.  It is tradition for many followers of Zazen to go into a weeklong retreat leading up to the day of awakening.  We are walking in the footsteps of the Buddha so to speak … more like sitting with aching abs and arthritic knees of the Buddha in practicum.

As Grace would have it, there was a special first of its kind two day live on-line Rohatsu Zazen retreat, free and open to the public on the Internet.  I studied with daily sit-a-longs with the Soto Monk who was offering the retreat for two weeks prior to the event.  We learned how to walk, eat and even how to pee during a retreat!  Seems the Catholic Church isn’t the only one with pomp and circumstance around this holy marker.

My own health and journey had never before allowed me an opportunity to participate in a live retreat.  But I have shared in a many a virtual sangha communities over the years and I humbled at the honor of being able to join a live Japanese Soto Zen retreat.

My mind had many days of anticipation prior to the weekend Rohatsu sit.  People on the path like to talk up how important retreats are for the serious Zazen student.  There is said to be a whole new dimension of Zen when you are still and silent for long periods of time.  So I was very eager to jump in and join the other zaffu extremists for my first Rohatsu Rumble!

For health reasons, I divided the two day live event into three days with periods of live and pre-recorded sessions.  The teacher was flexible in his practice to acknowledge that many of us would need to make some accommodations during the retreat.  Not everyone can sit full lotus facing a wall for two days!  So I was prepared to allow the wisdom of my body to lead me through creative solutions that would allow me to participate fully while not fully destroying my body.

As I sat with laptop at my side, a small Buddha statue on a make shift alter in the bedroom and eyes softly focused on the wall … I began the first sit of the sesshin.

Wow, what a good meditator you are!  This is really a cool thing you are doing.  It takes a lot of willpower to do a retreat like this.  You are really special.  This takes as much training as running a marathon.  Why do people say contemplating your navel is not living.  This is important.  I am good at this.  Maybe I’ll have a break in the clouds and become fully awake just like the Buddha.

My eyes sneak a peak at the time remaining in the first unit.  Five whole minutes had passed and my mind was like a runaway train!

Ok, back on track!  Be present!  Right here, right now.  Follow your breath!  Let all thought of good or bad blow away and return to this moment!

I take a full breath in and slowly release it in complete stillness.  Then I am once again off and running!

I wonder if I am going to be able to do this whole retreat.  What if I can’t?  What if I fail at this and miss my only chance to become enlightened?  What if I go crazy from lack of the mental stimulus and vocal deprivation?  My back hurts.  Christ!  If my back hurts now in the first Zazen of the retreat how can I possibly make it for the long haul?  Oh crap, I am thinking again.  What a miserable student I am.  I bet by the end of this retreat my mind will give up.  It will get so tired of going round and round with the same old thoughts over and over that it will just spontaneously shut down … and all that will be left is peace and stillness.  Yeah, I bet that’s what happens.  Crap.  I am still thinking.  Come back to this breath you idiot!

It turns out … the mind that you had BEFORE the retreat is the same mind that comes along for the retreat!  And small wonder it is the same mind that you have at the end of the retreat.  But somehow, and maybe it is the deprivation, somehow there is just a little more space for the mind to be exactly as it is.

Gassho.

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