The Bliss inside of Broken



Warning: The following may not be suitable for young souls who still need to believe in things like hope, happiness and the pursuit of positive vibrations. šŸ˜‰

Iā€™ve been working with the unworkable for some time now. Depending on how you count its been two months, but it could be well over 20 years. For much of my life I have been in scientific method mode. Research, data collect, analyze and look for the white coats (or red doors) to come and fix what was broken. Its been important for me to hold on to hope. To see some version of progress. Look, I sat up for 30 seconds longer than I could yesterday. Ooo! I was able to go out for a drive and not feel like I was hit by a bus. I can do X, Y and Z whereas last week I could only do P, D and Q. And somehow those millimeter milestones made me happy. Because everyone wants to think they are walking TOWARD the land of milk and honey. If not in this lifetime than after we are laid to rest.

But lately I find myself in so many untenable situations. Many more inside my own head than before my eyes. But nonetheless I notice my tendency to dwell on finding ā€œsolutionsā€. What can I take? What can I do? Who can I go to for help? Anything to give some version of HOPE that this will end soon. Or at least .. that this will end well. Or maybe only .. that this will END. Because I realize that my happiness if not my sanity, seems contingent on the perceived control of cybernetically steering this titanic mind and body clear of the thin ice.

And it is all thin ice. Is it not? The illusion of control, the promise of an afterlife or at least the aftermath of the trauma. We want to know that somehow this suffering is time limited. In one way, shape or formula. At some point however, the data becomes overwhelming. I can no longer continue to fudge the results in support of my hypothesis. Fact is I donā€™t know if the suffering even ends in death. And Iā€™m trying to move into a place where Iā€™m okay with that. Where I donā€™t need to hold on to any type of future circumstance that must look any different than what I now see before me. No searching for the right food to eat, the new pharmacudical to take, the new age meditation to master. Because no thing I hear, say or do will end the suffering.

I realize of course that this whole notion is way too pain filled for most seekers. And I certainly donā€™t recommend this path to anyone. Because truth is, I could be walking off the edge of a cliff. And for some, the next morsel, med or guru may well be THE KEY that opens the golden gate. So seek! If your heart yearns to seek. My heart has sought.

In any event, it poses a really interesting question to ponder What if NOTHING I do will end my suffering? What if NO THING any one else does will ease my pain? What if even DEATH can not end the cycle of pain and pleasure? Then what? What does it mean RIGHT NOW, if nothing will help? Sure, you can cry. But for how long? The tears pass. Of course you can feel anger. But even rage will eventually pass like a storm cloud in the sky. How do I LIVE in this moment if all of my time and preoccupation was not spent on trying to ā€œrecoverā€? How does that change my inner dialog? How does that alter my actions and my plans? How do I feel about my own self worth?

Well, first ā€¦ one would realize that the blame game is over. You canā€™t blame your doctors, your loved ones or even your self. You could no longer hold the ā€œfailureā€ card above your head. Because how could you be a failure if the deck was always and forever stacked against you. You canā€™t keep rummaging for ways to alchemy your life, so that frees up alot of mental noise, time and frustration. Because it doesnā€™t matter how much mental energy you divert on to a problem if you know in advance it doesnā€™t ever unravel. Okay. So now, I canā€™t blame myself and I canā€™t spend time worrying about the way I am. Iā€™ve already tried the cry and rage show. Whatā€™s next? What now? What does life look like if Life looks like this?

Radical Acceptance comes to mind. Not that pansy zazen atop your zafu when you pretend to accept the toothache you have while scheduling the dentist and taking four extra strength Advil. But the kind of acceptance that takes your breath away and feels like the fires of hell are burning your backside and still you choose to sit on it or with it. Radical acceptance. And utter surrendering.

Please donā€™t get me wrong, though I suppose I lost the positive-thinking missionaries at the first sentance, radical acceptance doesnā€™t mean that you donā€™t DO anything. Take the advil for your pain, call the doctor, SEEK or hide as the case may be. You can do ALL of that. But you do them each without attaching any meaning. You donā€™t HAVE to have anything change, you donā€™t pin your happiness on anything changing. You donā€™t spend all of your mental energy thinking about ways to make change happen or beating yourself up for anything that doesnā€™t work.blissbroken

You see, if NOTHING you ever did worked and NOTHING you can ever do WILL EVER WORK ā€¦ what you are left with IS NOT SUFFERING. Suffering lingers only when you still hold out your hand for a serving of hope. When you lay down and surrender that which you do not have anyway (control) what you are left with ā€¦. is Bliss. Hereā€™s to a meaningless moment. Where anything may happen next, but nothing needs to happen in order for me to reveal ā€¦ Bliss.

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