When the Now goes Missing
Its been two months since we’ve moved into our new home, 66 days, 13 hours and 45 minutes … but time is an illusion right? We have unpacked many of the boxes, but there are still a dozen+ that are pushed into corners, put up on shelves in the garage or piled in bunches on the backyard patio. Clearly they must be “unessential” because if we “really needed” something we would have gone hunting for it by now.
Somewhere in one of those boxes is my kitchen can opener. I use to have a large handled crank style manual can opener that was designed for people who had painful joints. I actually have a very strong grip … but I like things EASY, especially when I’m cooking. We found an old camping crank and have been using that for the few cans I’ve opened since the move. But in truth, I haven’t been well enough to cook, so I haven’t been in the kitchen much of late. I am quite sure that I have eaten more frozen meals this past summer than I have in my fifty years. I use to think that our new fridge was decidedly too big for our needs. But now I realize that I can really stock up on anything when its on sale. So yes, I did buy 42 single entrees last week when I did my online shopping. Because I need things to be EASY for a little while, until I get my strength back.
Occassionally I feel I WANT something from those unemptied boxes and I’ll go digging for it, only to have my Macgyver boyfriend find it in the blink of an eye. I am always impressed by both the photographic mind and the complete mindlessness that lives inside that man. Non-dual in the flesh. One of the things that we haven’t unpacked are the books. Mind you we donated dozens if not hundreds of books before the move. I did my very best to feng shui my library prior to starting our new life. Discarding many of the “self-help” books which turned out to fall short of their genre, putting aside the early childhood books for my eldest daughter and passing on the ones who’s idealogy didn’t need to come with me as I turn the corner into my senior years.
I did however keep my Zen. My bookshelf teachers have always been a source of great comfort. They are my church, my sangha and my sanctuary when I feel the need to bury myself in the dharma. I have books from each tradition but whatever words they choose, the paths all still seem to point to the universal Truth. They all tell the tale of our search. The end of suffering. Of Grace and Gratitude. Most of the time I read a book and leave it sit on the shelf. Rarely do I pick up the same book and read it again cover to cover. Though I may glance through the pages looking for a morsel if my spirit is hungry. And lately I’ve been craving Presence. So I wanted to put my hands on “The Power of Now”, by Echart Tolle. Mind you, I have the book on audio and I have my daughter’s kindle which can access it for free from the lending library on Amazon prime. That is if I can find the charger for the kindle. Hmmmm. I don’t think that’s even IN one of MY unopened boxes.
Apparently neither is my hard cover of Echart’s book. I found A New Earth, every book that James Redfield published, a cadra of Chopra, plenty of Maharaj, inspirations from Florence Scovel Shinn, the Guide to the Four Agreements by Don Migeul Ruiz, but apparently the Four Agreements must have taken a walk. But nowhere could I uncover the whereabouts of The Power of Now. Ironic? I have long ago realized that The Universe has a twisted sense of humor.
So I bit the bullet and bought a “new” copy of the book. Even though I have it on audio. Even though it must still be loaded on the uncharged kindle my daughter left for me. Even though I pride myself on being “frugal”. I went on Amazon and scoured for a used copy of the book and picked one up for $5.27 including two day shipping. I also picked up another pocket copy of the Four Agreements, because I’m SURE I’m breaking at least half of those these days on a regular basis. One day I most certainly will have to buy another can opener. But at the moment, it didn’t make my have-to-have-right-NOW list.
Most things can wait. I’ve been waiting to feel better for a very long time now. And recently made a wallowing-in-my-misery status post on facebook where I threw my hands up in the air in the realization that this MAY BE as good as it gets and the waiting game had to come to an end. Of course it was met with the very well meaning kind souls who came offering affirmations and beliefs of the power of positive thinking. But it is simply not my direct experience that hope and happiness go hand in hand. I am struggling these days with an unworkable package of limitation on most every front in my life. But not at the expense of gratitude and Grace.
As a friend put it in reply to my wallowing … “Try to find just a little fun and beauty in each day.” If there is a grand purpose in life, I must say this would be close to the top of the list. Even at my lowest moments, I do practice stopping, and smiling at even the smallest of nature’s offerings. The path of the feather, the radiant moon that has lingered into the morning sky, the sleeping puppy who twitches in her dreams. I am filled with unconditional love to the point I could burst.
I recognize the awe even when the shockwaves of pain rush through my shoulders and up the back of my neck. All we have is right Now. Even if we can’t put our hands on it, in the moment. Its there. But if we keep digging for it in the box of old things, we will never meet it face to face, now will we?
