You Are Not The Author
Egoic Mind: I felt like I had been doing better then yesterday WHAM. The facial burning, the rushes of energy surges, the urges to call the ER, everything just like before. WFT?
Gnani: And where did you turn? What did you do?
Egoic Mind: I fretted, I cried, I watched myself become angry. What am I suppose to do? It feels like I didn’t learn anything and that any small progress that I make can be taken away from me?
Gnani: are you collecting bits of health and prosperity to hold tightly in your hand? By all means child then you are sure to loose everything because everything is in flux little one. You don’t get to hold on to anything. All that can be done, which even this is not your doing, is to sit with what is and watch the next thing come down the pike.
Egoic Mind: I hate that I can’t get that. I hate that this is so god damn hard. I want a life. Any life. Or I don’t want a life at all. Not if it means suffering like this with no end in sight. Is that what life is suppose to be about? Suffering endlessly until we die? And is it only the “awakened” ones that are clued in to this wonderful cycle of Samsaraic existence. At least the ignorant can hold out hope for better times. But not us Advaita seekers. No. We get NOTHING for our efforts. Big fat ZERO. Over and over again.
Gnani: When you truly realize the nothingness that is within your grasp it will flood you with fullfillness that you have never known. But you can not grasp at it or cling to anything. It is only the abandonment of everything you desire, all false hope of rescue, each mind game of winning … and in this silence of No THINGS … Ahhh … in the no words … here the illusion dissolves.
Egoic Mind: And there is nothing I can do to give up desires, hope or winning, right? So what am I suppose to DO?
Gnani: DO anything. But do so without the notion that YOU are the one who is DOING. The actor reading lines from a script can be quite active in his melodrama story line. But he is not the one writing the script. He can only read what has been given to him by the Author. You can do only what is handed down from Source. If it is written on the page for you to give up desire … desire will dissolve. If you are created to teach … the students will come.
Egoic Mind: And what if I was created to be the pathetic seeker, who goes from Doctor to Therapist to Healer trying to fix this useless body/mind but who only serves to educate others and never for herSelf finds salvation?
Gnani: Wouldn’t that be wonderful! If you knew that right now, I mean really KNEW that to be irrevocable TRUTH. Than what freedom you could have in this moment, yes? You could stop worrying about your recovery, because you would know that nothing you ever would do would change your circumstances. You wouldn’t worry about going to the ER because nothing they could ever do would every work to help in your healing. You would still be the prodigal patient from specialist to quack but there would be no guilt, no expectation, no avoidance behavior, because, at last you would see the futility of your mental efforts. Ahh. Can you feel the freedom in that.
Egoic Mind: If I understood without a doubt that nothing I did could ever change anything. That I was the actress with no ability to improvise whatsoever, and all I could do was follow the script that was given to me? It’s like my father-unit always said “You don’t run the show, Lippy. The show runs you.” Is that the way it really is?
Gnani: The truth in the idioms we encounter is often lost in translation by our mind at the time. But the veracity stays with us as a seed waiting for the right moment in time to sprout and make our way to the sun. Are you ready to look up at the light?
Egoic Mind: I don’t know. Where’s my script?
