Thoughtlessness
As I reflect this week on a litany of thoughtless things people have said that could leave lasting impressions on sticky egoic minds, I realize the deep blessing in the teaching that none of this is personal. For me this Truth has come in small pieces over the years from the schoolyard bully to the competitive corporate comrade. None of it was personal, it was all part of the game being played.
More recently I have come to understand that even when someone uses my name and makes statements that on the surface truly sound as if they are ‘about’ me (I wish you were more fill in the blank), I can quickly see that in the undercurrent of their thought stream, the root of their conviction comes from a story they hold about themselves (I wish my life was fill in the blank). Knowing none of the accusations are actually about ‘me’ even in the moment that I hear their words echo in my ears, I am often able to let the reverb pass right through me like the wind through the tall reeds around a still lake.
Not only the ‘negative’ comments of course are empty and meaningless, but the accolades must also be ‘seen’ as mere reflections of an inner story that also has nothing to do with what appears to be the object of the praise. As a step-father of mine was fond to point out as I was growing up … ‘Don’t let it go to your head.’
While there is a world of suffering that we skirt when we see that other people’s thoughts/actions are devoid of personal implication, it is perhaps my hardest teaching to grasp that MY OWN THOUGHTS are equally devoid of meaning or cause. Watching thoughts come and go as I sit Zazen, it is easy to see the random quality of the mind stream. “What should I make for dinner? Why did that child do that after I said not to? Why am I still so sick and disabled? What a lovely purple flower over there by that rock! I did a good job yesterday. Did that program record on the DVR? I should have tried harder, I am such a failure.”
On the cushion it is often easier to practice detachment from even the sticky thoughts as we come back to breath and allow the thoughts to pass without action or investigation. In doing so we learn to turn away from samsara and in the space of emptiness and no meaning we find that we have always been at Nirvana’s door.
Off the cushion it seems more difficult to not act upon my thoughts as somehow in the walking state of the waking hours the shenpa of our story seems real and in dire need of fixing that which we consider broken. For me then, a sharp pain can illicit narrowed attention and rapid progression of thoughts that try and determine, diagnose, dampen and demonstrate the importance of the storyline that has gotten caught up in the web of the ego’s illusion. In the clatter of cognitive what-if there screams a small voice of “what about me?!” How quick I am to believe this plea — my actions quickly align to placate this sense of Self. “I need to do more sit-ups. I should complain to management. I am going to dye my hair. I’m ordering fries with that because I deserve it!”
Such unconscious actions all stemming from believing our thoughts are somehow solid. Occasionally I get glimpses of the freedom that comes with not believing any of my own thoughts. Other times I get caught up in the tides and tumbled heel over head in the undertow. Right now there is a sticky quality that I can feel and want to act upon. Anything to make them go away and transform into something more to ‘my’ liking.
Yet somehow there is also present some space in which I can watch and allow even this to arise without judgment or habit. There is a deep slow breath that seems to come unbidden to ventilate the strong energy that has fused with the thought patterns.
This breath.
This thought.
This sense of a ‘me’ that experiences it all.
All happening right now without any One taking it personally.
The Thoughtlessness of Nirvana.
