Center Stage

Egoic Mind: The pain is coming again.

Gnani: And?

Egoic Mind: And with it stories about how it shouldn’t be.  How I should handle it better.  Typical mind stuff.

Gnani: And?

Egoic Mind: And small tear drops at the corner of my eyes.  Deep desire for this not to be this way.

Gnani: And?

Egoic Mind: And what?!  Just suffering.  That’s all there is.  Its deep, its dark and I can describe it all day long in detail … but what good would that do!

Gnani: Is it true?  In this moment that all that is present is the suffering state?

Egoic Mind: I’d have to go actively searching for another state, because that is the one that is on center stage.

Gnani: Ah!  But you apperceive that there is a stage beneath your feet, do you now?

Egoic Mind: Yes.  And I am aware that there are noises — lawn mowers, birds, fish tank gurgles — off in the wings.  My attention though is on center stage, which seems to be yet another melodrama of my own life unfolding or perhaps unraveling into a pit of pain.

Gnani: Ok.  For some, letting all of this be is simply not possible.  So until Grace turns the key that door may not be open to you in this moment.  But what is available to you is deep inquiry.  With each And?  you are able to go deeper and deeper into the pain … to the root … to the core of the suffering.  All the while still aware that you are surrounded by stage lights and an entire theater.  So go deeper.  Right now.

Egoic Mind: I feel my mouth becoming activated.  My biceps beginning to seize up in tension.  I am breath holding as well.  Holding it all in.

Gnani: No need to try and change anything.  Just go deeper.

Egoic Mind: Deeper within or around?

Gnani: You can dance around on the surface … but ultimately you want to go below the surface … below the physical sensations.  It is at this place that you can touch that which you were before you were this physical body.

Egoic Mind: I feel that tingling sensation on the right side of my scalp.  Will there still be words to write down if I go deeper into this stillness?

Gnani: Direct inquiry is the only way to know.

Egoic Mind: There is movement inside my chest and diaphragm.  It seems to cycle about every 4 seconds.  My toes are very cold right now.  My body feels like a deep lake.  Ripples on the surface.  Cold motionless waters at the bottom resting on the sediment.

Gnani: And?

Egoic Mind: I am getting distracted by the subtle feelings of joy that the surge is passing.

Gnani: Let go of all judgment, the wheels will turn again.  Go deeper.

Egoic Mind: The breath into this body is lighter … or perhaps more regular … or perhaps it is a sensation of being breathed … rather than breathing.

Gnani: Yes.  Precisely.  Allow the body to be breathed …. and …

Egoic Mind: Go deeper.  Yes.  Deep space.  Blackness.  The breath comes from this black hole that seems to be both distant and juxtaposed to this body as if a dimension that is beyond the five senses of this organism.

Gnani: Let go of the need to analyze it.  Go deeper still … within.

Egoic Mind: The tinnitus is loud, or perhaps just on center stage.  It rivals with the hum of the refrigerator and the distant weed whacker of a neighbor.

Gnani: Follow the pitch and the vibration.

Egoic Mind: Its like a great musical chord, all layered on top of each other in perfect harmony.  All of the tones vibrating in a sustained chord.  I so hope it is a healing vibration.

Gnani: Primordial sound.

Egoic Mind: Yes.  It is familiar.  Yet only able to be perceived in just this way from inside of a body.  (I feel goosebumps crawl up my legs and the effervescing again on the right side of my scalp.)

Gnani: And?

Egoic Mind: Awareness is awake, and all of the world is a stage.

Gnani: Now … you can enjoy the play.