It is hard to speak about private issues of love and family matters to the public which is often ready with stones in hand. So we follow our heart in silence hoping that in time the world will someday accept us for who we are without judgement or condemnation.

We rely on those brave pioneers to blaze the trail, take the bullets and tend to their wounds. Afterall, some of us need to maintain our position, hold on to our job, raise our family in peace. I don’t fault anyone for not coming out, for not speaking up. I understand all too well what it means to accommodate the social norm. And though I failed miserably at doing so for most of my former career I certainly gave it to old college try.

In recent years I have been willing to talk about my illness, share my fears and reach out to others in support of finding their own unique healing path. In doing so, I have no doubt embarrassed my family, lost people I thought were friends and annoyed a slew of youtubers and facebook fanatics. And at the same time I have demonstrated for my kids what it means to be strong, made strong friendships with people I have never met in person and helped hundreds of people that I will never meet in my lifetime.

It is hard to speak out about private matters of love and family. But sometimes we are drawn to do so. And while I am not a hip hop artist or legendary actress, I am a bright educated and technically savvy woman. Even before I became a grain brain vegetarian, before I wore birkenstocks …. at a time when I was still wearing make up and panty hose in my yuppie years. I was a nursing mother.

All told I breastfeed my three children for a total of 8 and a half years. You do the math. Okay, I’ll help with the numbers … they each weaned themselves by three years of age. When I saw the cover of Time magazine this week and began to hear the glass shatter as stones were hurled at the attachment parenting families I knew that I wanted to stand beside my La Leche League sisters and let the stones hit my breasts.

I was a working Mom.  My kids spent much of their waking hours in daycare or with a nanny.  And still I managed to nurse each one without giving any of them a bottle.  (Think lots of trips to the daycare center and deeply grateful for a career that allowed me the flexibility to do so.)  At home, we had a family bed. Despite what you’ll hear in the news … babies who sleep with their parents, who are worn close to the body and carried, who are nursed until they wean themselves .. and YES they DO wean themselves when they are ready … by and large grow up to be very secure, independent and caring adults. I have AMAZING KIDS, not despite how they were raised but in part because of the attachment parenting style we embraced.

I could tell stories of course about my first La Leche League  meeting, when I saw a nursing toddler and thought these ladies where lunetics. Only to later become an active member and advocate of LLL for a dozen years. Or I could tell about the people who said unthinkable things to me when they found out I was nursing a toddler.  Or the adorable stories of young nurslings who learn independence because they feel safe to explore their world.

I could even attempt to be informative and try and explain that none of us nurse our toddler on step ladders, and that when we say we have a nursing toddler it most often refers to a little one who nurses once briefly at night until she falls asleep, or when she hurts herself or becomes frightened.

But in fact, I think it IS a private matter of love and family. Each of us must find what is RIGHT for us in the moment. We do our best and put money in the therapy jar for our children’s future.♥

As we empty the dishwasher, the conversation goes something like this (names changed to protect the innocent — or idiots if you prefer.)

Sally: (while chipping baked on peanut butter with her thumbnail off of the back of a spoon, then holding it up to Bob) This is fine, no one would ever notice, right?

Bob: (Looking inside a cup from the top rack that still has residue of last night’s tofu surprise casserole)  Oh sure, that’s fine babe .. and if we pour hot coffee in this I’m sure no one will know.

Sally:  GOOD POINT!  (Reaching for glass bowl covered in so many “water” spots its hard to see your own hand through it)  And if we pour the milk quickly in this for our cereal, then we’d never mind this at all.

Bob:  Now you’re catching on.

Emptying the dishwasher has become a scientific analsysis of just HOW dirty something has to be before we decide it has to be washed by hand — or if we are in a lack luster mood simply run BACK thru the dishwasher again.  In which case the conversation looks something like:

Bob:  Babe?  How many times have we washed THIS cup?  (Taking sanifood hummingbird mug from top rack.)

Sally:  Oh that’s the mug that is typically dirty honey.

Bob:  Typically dirty?!  Hey, why don’t we throw out all the dishes that are typically dirty babe, then we’d just have the commonly clean ones left.

Of course the query .. how bad does it have to get, doesn’t begin and end with the dishes.  We live in a home where people are out numbered by critters of all kinds.  So when the puppy gets excited and typically pees on the bed before scampering off to greet her primary parental figure … we quickly blot up the moisture with toilet paper that sits on the bed stand and ask our self — “Is this enough pee to strip the bed and wash the blankets?  Or can I just peel back the top duvet?  Or did it not soak in enough at all to matter and we can sleep on this for a couple of days until we DO laundry at the end of the week?”

How BAD does it have to get before you are willing to take action?

And its not like this is anything new.  Parents know all about this.  With your first born you sterilize all of the toys and run to wash off anything that baby drops on the linoleum.  For baby number two, you pick up the binky that fell into the day care sand box and shake it off before giving it back to your cherub who is covered in more bacteria than a petri dish.  Which is STILL better than baby number THREE for whom you don’t even PICK UP the toddler fork that fell in the dirt stating that it helps build her immune system if she isn’t overly sanitized.

How bad does it have to get before you decide to do something?

My fictitious name friend Fran recently broke up with her boyfriend this week, because she wasn’t getting what she wanted in the relationship.  But it wasn’t an easy decision, it never is.  Parts of the relationship worked.  But she knew in her heart that it ultimately wasn’t what she wanted, needed or deserved.  Each of us have to look at our upside down and distorted reflection in the back of the spoon and ask our self … is this mess something I need to clean up .. or can I live with the sanifood?

Egoic Mind:

Gnani:  And yet EVERYTHING changes at the same time.

Egoic Mind:  Perhaps.

Gnani:  Undoubtedly.

Egoic Mind:  But still I seek relief.  Respite from the pain and storms that attack from inside this bag of flesh and waste.

Gnani:  Seeking is part of the enquiry.  However if you continue to seek WHAT instead of WHOM you will forever be holding the magnifying glass at the wrong object.  Turn the lens around.  WHO is seeking?

Egoic Mind:  I am.

Gnani:  I AM.

Egoic Mind: In truth I do not care about the enquiry these days.  I have not sat Zazen for a dozen moons or more.

Gnani:  The enquiry is not about memorizing a sutra or chanting a mantra.  With or without a sangha the dharma stands naked in its Truth.

Egoic Mind:  But if I am not diligent …

Gnani:  WHO is diligent?  Who is indolent?

Egoic Mind:  Who cares?

Gnani: That which seeks itSelf.

Egoic Mind:  And what of THAT which seeks only relief from this moment?

Gnani:  As everything changes and is changing in fact right now … the relief that you think is sought will soon be found albeit in a transient fashion.  However brief the period of pain free may be, it will appease the attention deficient egoic mind and the enquiry will appear to cease.  Until the wave comes again and yeild yet another opportunity to SEE the eye of the Storm.

Egoic Mind:  So, I SEEK only when there is something I want to rid myself of.  The seeking never amounts to anything because I have turned the eye glass outward onto reflected object of my Self.  And when the tides change and CHANGE occurs so that the object I have deemed intolerable is for a moment appeased .. then the active form of seeking also ceases.  Until the next time.

Gnani::  Until the next time.

Egoic Mind:  Well that seems like a complete waste of time.

Gnani:  Lessons learned and time traveled …

Egoic Mind:  … still nothing changes.

Gnani:  Until of course CHANGE happens.

Egoic Mind:  Since CHANGE will occur regardless … does it really MATTER what I do in the meantime?

Gnani: The sun rises and sets each day .. .regardless of how time is spent.  Does it matter how you spend the daylight hours?

Egoic Mind:  Ultimately no, if everything is only transient .. however it FEELS better to spend the daylight hours in service of something.  When the monkey mind is wild the day can be “lost” to the fears and ghosts of the mental jungle.  But when the attention is put instead on that which creates laughter and joy .. then the day FEELS like it has been better spent.

Gnani:  And does THAT matter at all to the SUN .. how you have spent the daylight hours?

Egoic Mind:  Gosh no.  I should not think that the SUN cares at all how time is spent.  But I am not here to please the SUN.  Am I?

Gnani:  Are you?

Egoic Mind:  There is a stillness in that question that comes and takes everything away for a moment.  No answer.  The essence of sun IS that which I am.  I can feel that.  I can feel the light particles as part of my being.  I can feel the catalyst of change that occurs inside of me when the sun shines upon my skin.  I am part of the sun, as well as the rain and the air and the water.  I am that at my essence

Gnani:  In the essense of that bag of flesh and waste?

Egoic Mind:  Perhaps I was a bit short sited when I claimed that was all I was earlier.

Gnani:  Sun and shit perhaps.

Egoic Mind:  Yes.  LOL.  Laughter and joy.

Gnani:  Which are both catalyst for change.

Egoic Mind:  So then it DOES matter how time is spent.

Gnani:  Turn the looking glass around .. and SEEK THAT which is in enquiry.

Egoic Mind:  I would of course … but as time as passed .. and the obligatory “change” has occurred and that transient moment of pain in the midst of a storm has now faded.  I am once again not inclined.

Gnani:  Until the next time.

Egoic Mind:  Until the next time.

“I’m up too early” I heard a slow gruff voice mumble. I turned and smiled with a silent nod then walked back over to the pile of wet towels. That’s when I spotted a western fence lizard who seemed a bit lost. My boyfriend stood at one end of a wooden ledge and I reached my arm over and after a few sprints back and forth between us, the little fella jumped onto the back of his hand. Within seconds the drab gray bark colored creature began to display brilliant teal, tan and black jewels. We could see the underside of his chin take on a deep blue hue.

It’s a rare opportunity to see a wild creature up close and the peacock show this lizard was putting on for us was spectacular. We both watched silently for a long while, honored and in awe that we were able to enjoy such long look.

We decided to set the critter down on an old dead tree trunk in the yard.  But the blue belly wouldn’t budge.   Maybe it was warm. Perhaps it was a bit in shock by the Gulliver Travels. Or maybe, as I do, he simply knew he was in good hands.

From the Animal Spirits Web site, shaman wisdom says that Lizards represent:

• Detachment from ego
• Power to regenerate that which is lost
• Facing fear
• Controlling dreams
• Moving in the otherworld

I’ve posted lots of “pretty pictures” recently. The ones where I am laughing incessantly with my boyfriend and/or my kids. Because we seem to do a lot of laughing these days. And it is true. I am very happy. But I also notice with people who don’t know me very well, that there are a lot of assumptions made when they see me “happy”. Mostly, that I must be “well”. I must be “doing better”. In some way shape or form .. I must have “recovered” because now I am “happy”.

Would be a lovely story if that was the case. But what is more important that I’ve learned in this “happy time”, is that you can be utterly happy and laugh and play …. while you are still very sick, in pain and your life is otherwise in a downward spiral of uncertainty and turmoil. I am very happy, perhaps for the first time in my life. And at the same time my heart is in pieces and often weeps at the loss that is simply beyond words.

THIS is what is meant by HAVING IT ALL. The direct experience of pleasure and pain. And the deep abiding lesson that it IS possible to BE HAPPY even when your life seems to be turned upside down.

The place of soft muscles
Flowing movements
Clear thought
PEACE

 

My Zen sangha would say that “I” can not be IN peace, for “I” AM Peace at its essence. Fuck the sangha. I am hurting, Now. The New Age Seekers would say I should change my thoughts because I am attracting Non-peace. But I know enough from my Direct Experience that it doesn’t work like that.

Peace will appear to come
Peace will appear absent
Everything is always in flux
When circumstances warrant change
Change will appear
There is little doing on my part
If any
Though the egoic mind may claim victory
When the shift occurs
If that habit of ownership is strong
Which is why the Law of Attraction folks
Are so easily swayed to believe they have moved the mountain
It is because
Change Happens
And if you are actively engaged in something
Then when that change happens
You are apt to own it as your own
Even if no evidence exists
That you were the cause or the catalyst

I realize that for some, this free floating seed in the wind is simply too frightening a concept to embrace. How can I live my life if I am only a non-volitional seed being swept here and there by my circumstance and surroundings? So we fabricate a story that suits our mind and soothes the soul that we believe we have.

Ahhhh …

Finally a shift

The sense of harmony fills my lungs as I breath deeply and release completely and recognize the moment of synchronicity when my Desire for Peace and my perceived state of peacefulness are in alignment. Even knowing that it will not last doesn’t matter in this moment. Because the deep, albeit non-abiding, recognition that

I am the witness and the body provides enough solidity to allow my Self to

Float
Freely
In the wind . . .

As I spent the better part of yesterday in the limbo that exists in between discussions of feelings, fantasy and fear that move the synchronized pulse of lovers to a clash of syncopated and isolated heartbeats, I could see clearly why so many people avoid falling in love at all costs.

From the gentle decree – I’ll never fall in love again to the anthem of the independent man — Love Hurts some of us build walls around our tenderness to forever avoid bleeding love . Which is why some romantics reach for their running shoes at the first sign that THIS may be the ONE. And even when you can’t stop yourself from the L word, you can always try the bold face lie –  — I’m not in love and see how far that gets you.

Because when we find our self wide open and willing to be monogamous — which by the way thesaurus.com claims is a synonym of IMPOTENT, small wonder few men choose monogamy — we automatically become enrolled in Pain and Suffering 101 not to be confused with Pain and More Suffering (PMS) which is a graduate class that has recently become an independent study course because the professor simply couldn’t manage the weekly discussions so the physical class disbanded.

Fact is .. if you are a sentient being in love … it physically hurts when we are at odds with our heart’s desire. We feel unsettled, out of step, our head spinning stories while throbbing in pain. We adhere meaning to the mishap which feeds our egoic mind of our own unworthiness or that of our partner because in the end they are both one and the same. When we are IN LOVE our heart seems to become as fragile as a porcelain doll. Any bump in the road can cause a hairline fracture that in time will cause us to loose face.

So then why is Match.com, ChristainMingle.com  — not to be confused with Christian Nymphos  — Buddhist Passions ,  Old Souls Pagen Dating , or Gay Friend Finder not to mention Ashley Madison  for those who just can’t get enough of the drama — booming businesses?

Because try as we might and despite what we outwardly say … LOVE HAPPENS and we are at its mercy if not its beck and call girl. So while some embrace the dance  and willingly get their hand stamped for the roller coaster ride of a lifetime as others deny their feelings and suffer silently unwilling to tell the object of their affection that they are everything that they ever wanted … no one has immunity as love infects each of us in its unique and contagious way.

So we endure the days when our insides feel like they’ve been bathed in battery acid and there is a troll with a Ball-peen hammer  pounding on our amygdala,  — because having it ALL means inviting it all to tea. And LOVE really isn’t about an object outside of our Self. Because in Truth … all that we ARE at the essence of our Being IS LOVE.

Which is why hearing the words at the end of a long day — “I will never leave you, no matter how many times we don’t see eye to eye” instantly completes a circuit in our romantic code and we are uplifted and held in the bliss that IS the always and unconditional beauty of LOVE.

The recommendation is not personal of course. Its devoid human emotion or motivation. A simple algorithm that adds faceless tally marks and totals common links between profiles. Everyone knows that of course. Unless you have a touch of OCD … (Obsessive Conspiracy Disorder) in which case you are well aware that the Facebook database knows more about you than the PIPL pooh-bah and has filed every court document, mortgage lien, pet adoption and cash purchase for every plain brown wrapper delivery since you were 17.

Facebook KNOWS its your ex-husband and that you’ve ignored their recommendation for the last five years and four months. It counts on the fact that you’ll click ANYTHING over on the right margin (here’s a word from our sponsor) just to make the picture of him and his new 26 year old wife vacationing in the Bahamas go away. So of course you choose retail therapy to feel better about your middle aged makeup-less face with that picture of your ass in those jeans you don’t know why you thought you could wear that your daughter tagged you in on her wall this morning.

Amazon Prime … Take me Away!